When Lent Falters

IMG007    I’m faltering at Lent. But at this point in my life, I’m far past the point of allowing myself to be shamed into feeling bad about myself for it. I would however, like to improve upon myself.
The Christ Year is meant as a year of discipline and focus, and Lent is a discipline within a discipline. For the Year, I wanted to prioritize the reading of the Gospel Scriptures above all other activities, and for Lent, I wanted to forfeit my Facebook time, except for a specific act of networking, which I have now concluded.
The faltering comes from beginning to invent “Specific purposes” to be on Facebook, then checking my news feed for a bit while I’m at it. I’ve been telling myself that I’m not actually having that much difficulty in avoiding the F-book, but every now and then I’ll crave it just a little. Like any unhealthy habit(or habit lacking any inherent value) I’m finding that I function just fine without it, and even begin to regard my time with it as wasteful and useless.
Oh, but then I come up with the most quippy and pithy sayings that I believe all of my 300 friends simply must read!!
And the struggle goes on.
The more deeper faltering comes from how I am regarding the Gospel text, and the practice of daily reading. I have thus far managed to read at least a chapter every day without fail(my goal was 2, and most days I succeed). That’s a behavioral goal that I’ve met. But the deeper identified purpose was to really intentionally pursue the person of Christ. This is the part that still evades me.
My ideal scenario has me reading and journaling and praying every day and every day coming away with deep, or at least clever insights. Alas, my ideals are running hard against my realities, and my spiritual ambitions are quickly finding the limits of my physical and emotional fatigue.
I just don’t have time.
I just don’t have energy. oldcarclick
So I tell myself.
I have time and energy for other things. And somehow all the other things seem to be more important.
How can this be? And I know I’m not the first to wonder this. If God is so important, and I do believe He is, how could I honestly find anything else remotely more interesting? The incongruence of which the Human brain is capable is simply staggering.
Meanwhile, here I am again, 9:39 pm, getting drowsy, mentally worn, with a Harry Potter DVD on the table next to my computer, and all my family in bed.
Better that I read the Gospel.
Better still that I make a sincere effort to commune with Jesus, and not just quickly read a page and a half so I can check off another box.
Exceeding religious to be actually spiritually healthy is difficult.

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