Lent. Day 10.
Lately, I feel challenges to engaged in relational self-care as opposed to solitary, at least whenever possible. I’m starting to figure out that loving Christ well, loving Him for who He is and not what He can do for me, is something that is practiced by loving people well. In order to practice loving people, I need to be able to connect with them, attach to them, be comfortable being with them.
So of course, now that I’m pursuing this, I’m becoming hypersensitive to when I perceive no one wants to spend time with me.
TV shows begin to sound good for how they are numbingly comfortable.
I can justify spending more time on work projects so easily.
Pursuing people is so much work and I just don’t wan to do it! And when I do do it, I want them to pursue me back! Is that so much to ask?
Lent. Day 11
Today, I’m feeling the strain of Lent just a little bit more. I want to do many things today. Write. Blog. Grade. Update my budget. Exercise. Eat. Spend meaningful time with my partner, my kid and my housemate.
I may not get to it all because I chose to prioritize exercise, then reading the Bible. Not a bad choice; indeed the correct choice for my Lent commitments. But even in the face of a right choice, I’m needing to fight down feelings of desperation, panic and indignation. I know I’ll have to fight them more when the kid wakes up from his nap and I’ll have even less control over my time.
However, much as I want to be the most efficient, productive, profound and artistic man alive, I also know that the majority of my work puts my in solitude.
The theme for the Christ Year, at least for Lent, has been about relationship and attachment. Today, I’m choosing to make myself available for people connection and spiritual connection. My productivity will suffer. But I can have meaningful relational moments.
Part of my cognitive self recognizes this as a healthy change. My instinctive habitual self feels really disoriented and a little alarmed at how quickly the time goes by and how much is still left on my to-do list.
Oh well. This is growth.