One Year

One year clean today.
I’m happy to be in recovery.
Recovery is tiring.
Sometimes I feel driven as much by the amount of time I have to lose as by any desire to be a changed person.
Recovery has meant reconnecting to and redefining my deepest values, connecting to the deepest, most ultimate truths. For me, this journey means returning to the faith of my childhood, searching for an encounter with Christ.
I hope and hope and look for and look for and keep hoping. None of the other values seem to make complete sense with out Him, without the ultimate.
Active, healthy, sustained recovery requires a cause to follow, to lift up and support. I need something bigger than me in which I can lose myself. So many things I love and none of them seem to be enough.
Writing.
Social activism.
Gender reformation.
Counseling and mental health.
Overcoming addiction.
Marriage and family.
Too many loves.DSCN3402
I feel ungrounded.
I don’t know what to value.
Not a good foundation for a sustainable recovery journey.
If I’m tired now, will I only become more so? What then are the deepest truths to which I can cling? What hope will comfort me?
Christ, will You be found? Will You be enough? Will You be present and generous and interested in me?
Will You give me your blessing?
Speak to me Your promises?
Lead me to a cause?
Remind me the sound of Your voice, the touch of Your presence?

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